just trying to figure it all out

Yeah, so I stole the title from somewhere... *cough*

That damn thing is still always on the forefront of my mind. It rhymes with "money".

I almost had a panic attack when I got my dental bill in the mail. Being a noobie with dental insurance, I didn't know how much was covered and thought I had to pay the entirety of the bill that got sent to me. And I thought I was f-ed. I think I would be f-ed if I really did have to pay. I can't afford any sort of blip like this, so what would happen if something did come and slap me in the face? I'd freak out. I don't want to freak out.

I don't know how much my car would be worth to trade-in, it has an unfixed accident, more miles, and a fat scrape that needs attention. I will admit that I really really don't want to swallow my pride and get an obvious downgrade. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but in some cases I can't help it, and if people I know saw me downgrade, I can only wonder what they're wondering. Is he not doing so well? I thought he used to have a nice car, what happened? I'm a little bit sick like that.

Today I heard one of the creepiest real stories I have ever heard. A REAL stalking. That could have permanently damaged lives. And for what? To satisfy the intentions of some F-ING creep?! It was a bit overwhelming to hear. It makes me realize that there really are some sick (actually sick, not how I just described myself) people out there. I should be thankful that I don't have to deal with some real weirdos more often.

Poker has been on my mind a lot lately. I remember the days when I could focus for a month and make an extra couple grand with some serious concentration. I still have the ability. But what don't I have? That thing I mentioned in paragraph one. How the hell did I get into such a deep hole? I'm just trying to figure it all out.