I need I need

...something, and I'm not sure what it is. It might be something to look forward to, it might be to finish bartending school and get that second job to make new connections and make a bit of extra money, it might be to get back into poker, it might be, it might be, I don't know.

This past weekend I needed a group or someone to go out with the way I like to go out... like that one weekend that started downtown early with eats and developed slowly instead of the drink somewhere late, scramble for a ride, and get downtown at midnight with only 2 hours to go and long lines already growing. Friday I bowled in a far away location with a lot of smoke surrounded by high schoolers and groups twice that age, nothing in my range. I bowled okay, didn't have a drop, and left at midnight. Hmmph. I made a spur of the moment decision to go somewhere I hadn't been in a while... Canterbury. I played for 3 hours and made a few bucks at a lower limit than I know I can play at, but the funds just aren't there right now. It made the time seem a bit worthwhile. Oh well, there's Saturday at least.

Saturday was productive, food shopping and toiletries were taken care of, oil change, and a workout. I scrambled for plans and found everyone going somewhere that I honestly hate going.... back to White Bear, with all the kids I don't miss from high school in a smoky bar with a bunch of tough guy thugs I'd rather not share space with. I said f that, I'm going downtown or staying in. I scrounged for plans and found two to go out with, and I was ecstatic. From Friday night, I was still in the mood to make a few more bucks so I went to Canterbury again for a few hours in hopes to make for a fancy night. I made some more, headed back to my place with a fistful of dollars and an urge to go out about to be fulfilled, and I got the call. The call to cancel at the last minute. I instantly fell off my cloud, got home, and picked a few movies to order on demand. Connecting back to paragraph one, what is it that I need, what the hell am I missing? 0 for 2 on weekend nights does not make me happy.

I woke up in a bad mood on Sunday, headed to brunch at the parents' house, and I just couldn't shake the bad mood. The food was good at least, but afterwards I stuck around just to be present as I know it makes my parents happy... but after two nights of what I would call wasted, I felt I wasted another 5 hours watching TV. The words "but it's Easter" kept me there for my parents. I was gonna stick around until my late hockey game, but I just had to get out of there and do something, even if it's just tidying up my apartment... and that's what I did. It didn't make financial sense to drive across the cities for an hour and half at home then drive back across the cities to hockey, but man, I had to do something more than sit around. Hockey time came and we killed, and I was ready for the after-game beer. I felt good about the win and decided it was my turn to buy a round, so I was first to the bar and did just that, knowing that at least a few would show up and join me as it happens every single week. One teammate that doesn't drink showed up with his friend who doesn't drink either and saw me there with 12 beers, and they tell me that nobody else is coming. I thought they were joking. They weren't. They made a few calls and I made a call and two people turned their cars around and came back... better than nothing I suppose. I stopped myself at my limit and watched 2 of the beers just sit there to waste away as I left, and I wondered what the hell happened this weekend. What am I missing?